Burning Brighter With You

 Dear ********,

I can feel that this song is from you. Thank you. And so is the message on this blog, and so is the love and light and beauty I see when I choose to see it. 

"Fix You," COLDPLAY

I wonder if you feel me sending you love. The synchronisities are wild, I wish you wouldn't send me away. That connection we had was instant and incredible. 

I saw you not making eye contact yesterday. I get it.

I am staying where I am for now; in this marriage, for the purposes of financial security. Please understand and be patient. I know we will be reunited. You say that you don't think we are meant for each other. How did that change for you? 

I see the screen jumping, is it because the whole world is connected in ways we can only understand if we choose to? 

 I'll stop chasing you but please know that I love you deeply, so very deeply. 

I know that there is a love and a life that we could have that could be so beautiful. 

Brightly, 

Elizabeth 

The Frozen

I wonder if my father feels this way. Brilliance on your finger tips, yet when it comes the time to propel it into a project, all you can do is dance around the dream.

I'm supposed to be writing papers right now. Papers that are 80% finished and 100% percent required for me to receive my degree. My degree that is nine years in the making and the furthest thing from my PhD, mind you.

I have grand visions for my future but I still get stuck in the production piece and its entirely discouraging. It doesn't help that I see people perhaps less skilled than I moving forward and here I am, drowning underneath my own quest for perfectionism.

It's a painful battle, one I wish I did not have to fight, but one I am trying to embrace gracefully. I guess that is where this blog comes into play.

You may notice that there are several blogs on my account that share this name, though they have different domain names. You see, I was determined to create this blog, but each time I clicked created it said that the domain name was unavailable, so I kept trying. Imagine my surprise and frustration when I discovered that the blogs had actually been created and instead of moving forward and writing my first entry, I was still stuck on the creating stage.

This parallels my current situation identically! I get stuck, can't move forward, lose time and energy, and meanwhile all I needed was actually there, just concealed somehow: hidden beneath screens and behind doorbells or disillusions.

I wonder if I can deconstruct that process to begin to identify how to problem solve in the moment and hopefully avoid some of the frustration?

This might be weak for a first entry, but it is all I can allow myself to divulge at the moment. It is a vulnerable place to be: addressing and broadcasting weakness.

I will leave you on the note that my determination is also evident. But I think you knew that, and were just hoping I realized it too.